More Preparations

Time continues to dwindle - we leave in exactly 2 weeks!!! We have been busy shopping, planning, organizing - trying to get ready for our trip and trying to get our home ready for our new daughter. Part of this included helping to throw a shower for our friends Joe and Amy over the weekend. We had a wonderful time celebrating SuSu (see picture)! We have such also been getting great travel tips and advice from wonderful friends: Ellen, Lucy, Donna, Teilynn, Denise, Kelly, and Jill. All seems to be falling into place, it's amazing to think that in 3 weeks we will have Danielle - how incredible! God has been so good to us during this journey and we can't wait to see how Danielle transitions into her forever family. We are so blessed that God has allowed us to give this little girl a home and a family who will love her forever! However, we know that Danielle may not react the same way, at least initially. She has been living with a foster family since she was about 2 months old, and from what we have seen in pictures, Danielle is dearly loved. While we are overjoyed at finally getting our daughter, she may not be - we pray that God will help her to adjust to us quickly. I have added another excerpt from A4everfamily.org:

For the last six months or more, the expectant parents have been busy. They've painted a room, bought little tee shirts, shoes, and diapers and gone over the baby name book at least a hundred times. Daily, if not hourly, their thoughts turn to the baby waiting for them, thousands of miles away. They take out the precious photo and examine it again and again, wondering "How much older will he look?" The hearts and minds of these loving parents are never too far from this baby. For the baby, however, these folks haven't even been a fleeting thought. Somewhere, often in a far away country, the baby has already experienced immense loss. For nine months, he lived and breathed with his mother. He learned to know her voice, her smell, her moods-both good and bad-and her sleep. At birth, he abruptly lost everything he had grown to love. He may show signs of grieving at the time, or he may store the loss deep in his brain and body, at a visceral level that will become more obvious with time. At the time of birth, a child perceives himself as being one and the same as his birth mother. He does not recognize that they are two separate individuals. Physically, his respiration and heart rate regulates in sync with hers. Emotionally, he sees the world through her eyes. Her anxiety is his. Her joy and contentment are his. So what happens when a part of him, the part that regulates not only the physical, but also the emotional, disappears? Perhaps he is placed in a foster home at birth. He spends his days getting to know the smells, voice, tastes, and moods of his new caretaker. Although it is hard to trust, having already lost a mommy, he enjoys the soft touches and the warm feeling he gets when she fills his tummy. He feels confused and worried, not knowing who this person is and what happened to his first love. If he spends time in a hospital or orphanage, his little body grows increasingly anxious. After all, he can only focus about nine inches from his face, and the images that move in and out of that space are constantly changing. In both cases, the sheer separation from the birth mother can put his body on high alert. The primitive part of his brain, the "fight or flight" center, works overtime, flooding with cortisol, sending the body messages akin to that of an adult who senses his life is in danger. "Will I get food?" "Who will comfort me?" "Will I survive?" A variety of factors-genetic predisposition, prenatal environment, ongoing transitions, early environment-contribute to the level at which the child is affected. The initial abandonment alone affects his brain and body, with hospitalization, foster homes, orphanages, multiple placements, and pain increasing the potential for long-term attachment issues. And then, without warning, it happens again. Just as he is getting accustomed to the new caretakers in his life, he is suddenly handed to a stranger. This person's hair, skin, smell, and voice are all wrong. The stranger takes him to a place filled with people. They go and go and go for what seems like an eternity. Eventually, the child is handed to more strangers. Bright lights flash everywhere. Nothing smells right. Nothing sounds right. Nothing looks right. The adults are in love. The baby is in shock.

Preparing for Danielle

I am sorry that I haven't posted anything new in a few days, but things have been crazy!! Getting shots, ordering money (China wants crisp US money), making lists, writing down schedules for grandparents, shopping for travel essentials, and taking care of little ones - all things that take up so much time! Another important thing that we have been doing is getting ready to help Danielle transition into our family. We have been trying to prepare Steffi and Liz for Danielle's arrival. Liz often says that she misses Danielle and wants her to come home. In fact every time that we pray (even at meals), this precious 2 yr old reminds us to pray for Danielle. Stephanie (4) makes up words and says that she is speaking Chinese. In fact, she came up with some Chinese nicknames for her and Liz: NiNi and NuNu. They are very excited about their new little sister. We have been trying to explain to them that Mommy and Daddy will be sleeping in China for many nights, but that Nana, Momma and Bumpa will be with them. We are going to take along our laptop that has a webcam, and hopefully that will help all of us - being able to see each other! I sure am going to hate leaving them!! We also have been reading about attachment issues with adopted children and talking with adoptive parents. Our hearts break thinking that Danielle has had to and will have to deal with grief at such a young age. The illustration in the previous post, truly brings me to tears, thinking that Danielle at 15 months old has already experienced tremendous loss. We pray daily for her and that we will be able to provide a secure environment where she can express herself. Please help us and pray for that as well. Please pray for Steffi and Liz to do well while we are gone, please pray for our parents to have an easy time with our girls, please pray that we will have safe and healthy travels, please pray that Danielle grieves and then bonds quickly with us as her forever family, please pray for her foster family and their loss, please pray for her birth parents for their loss.

Immense Loss: Walk a Mile in Baby's Booties

Okay....here it is.....I found this illustration at http://www.a4everfamily.org/ about what adopted babies might be feeling - just presented in terms of what we can relate to. I will let it speak for itself.......

Imagine for a moment… You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow. The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life. The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved? You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay. But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him? Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone. You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact. Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it. More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you? You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried. The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you. You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy. The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation. Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair. Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you've never heard before. He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black. You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep. People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness. Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along. Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait. --Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, analogy courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller

This is what it is all about...

As I mentioned in earlier posts, we were blessed to find Danielle on Hope for Children's Waiting Child list. This list contained pictures and brief medical descriptions of 10 beautiful children. Danielle was #6 on that list. Joe and Amy's daughter, SuSu was #5. These are 3 more children that were on that list and now have a forever family: Ally (with her sisters), Frannie and Shelby. Shelby's mom and dad are getting ready to go and get her - they are leaving on the Oct. 31st! Ally was brought home in July, and Frannie came home in early September. Danielle, SuSu and Shelby are all from the same province - and they will get to be friends once they all get home!! It is truly amazing that we can be friends with half of the children on that list. Ally and Frannie's story is very amazing as well! They were both in the same orphanage in China! Before their parents were able to bring them home, they were friends! And now they only live about 30 minutes away from each other!! When they were in China, Frannie was called Emma by her caregivers, and little Ally still calls her that! We spent the afternoon with Ally, Frannie and Shelby's parents on Sunday and it was so wonderful to see how well these little girls are doing. They have gone through such dramatic changes in a few short months and yet they are dealing with it so well. God has given them such loving families - these little girls are truly blessed! Our prayers are now with Shelby, SuSu and Danielle, that they will transition easily into their forever families and that Frannie and Ally continue to blossom!!!

Family and Friends

Many of you may want to know what we are going to do with our other daughters (Stephanie, 4 and Elizabeth, 2) while we are in China. Well...we are leaving them at home. Initially, we went back and forth about taking them with us, but then we realized that would be insane!!! Can you imagine taking them on such a long flight! Not to mention getting them to eat meals without battles - in a restaurant 3 meals/day for 2 weeks!! So, we decided to leave them here. However, we are very blessed, because we have incredible caretakers to stay with them. For the first week, Steve's mom (Nana) will be staying with them, and the second week, my parents (Momma and Bumpa) will come down. We are so grateful to them for being so willing and eager to take time off from their jobs to take care of their grandchildren. I will admit, I am very sad about having to leave my girls, but I also think that it is very important that both Steve and I travel to China. So, since I have to leave my girls, I could not think of anyone else I would rather leave them with!! Okay, I am aware that I may have to de-program my girls from spoiling grandparents - but I am good with that. I just want my girls to feel totally loved and safe, and I know that they will be well taken care of! When Nana is here, 2 dear friends have offered to help in way that they can -- Cynthia and Robin. They have offered to have Nana and the girls over for playdates, meet at the park, or they could even bring their children over to our house so that they can play outside on the swingset. All of these distractions will hopefully help Steffi and Liz to miss us less!? When my parents come, they will be bringing my niece, Mikael (12) and I am sure that she will help to keep the girls occupied. Please remember to pray for Steffi and Liz while we are gone - they are very excited to get their new sister, but have never been away from us for an extended time, and they could have a tough time. Thank you!

More miracles!

Steve and I have been married 5 1/2 years and were introduced to each other by some very dear friends, Joe and Amy. I met Amy in Oct 1995 at church (after I had moved here from MN). She spend time studying the Bible with me and helped me to develop a wonderful relationship with God. In Nov of 1995, Amy and another dear friend, Paulette, baptized me!! What a wonderful day that was!! Four years later, Amy's husband Joe, met Steve (he was and still is one of Steve's customers), studied the Bible with him and baptized him!! After Steve's baptism, Amy and Joe introduced me to Steve. Steve then asked me out on a date, in which we went sailing with Joe and Amy. It was love at first sail!! About 2 years later, Steve and I became engaged, and we were married in Feb. 2002 - with Joe and Amy as our best man and matron of honor. I tell you this so that you see how dear these friends are to us - through this amazing couple, God put Steve and I together. Well, when Steve and I finally decided to start the adoption process last December, we found out that Joe and Amy had already started the process. We had no idea that they were going to do this!! At that time, we thought that it would be amazing to be able to travel to China with them. The chances were slim, since they were further along in the process, but with God, anything is possible! Well, it turns out that God truly does answer prayers - even better than we could ever imagine! It turns out that we will indeed be traveling together!!! Joe and Amy found their daughter on the same Waiting Child list where we found Danielle - and here is the kicker - both of our daughters are from the same province!!! We will leave for China on the same day, and spend 2 weeks together as we both expand our families! It will be so wonderful to be able to have such wonderful friends with us - and to share this experience together! God is good!

A Huge Kiss From God!

When we began to plan for our trip to China, we were originally going to spend the weekend in Beijing before receiving our daughter. I thought, how can you go to China and NOT see the Great Wall?! Well, plans changed, and we are not going to see the Wall. Instead, we decided that we would try to go spend some time exploring Danielle's birthplace. This did pose a slight problem - we would need to find a guide who would be willing to go with us. We weren't too worried about finding a guide for a day trip, but we really wanted to spend a few days there so that we could truly experience Laibin City. Well God is good!! We found out Sunday morning that Steve's step-sister would be able to go with us!! Meg is living in Harbin, China and is fluent in Mandarin! She has a PhD in political science at Harvard, and her dissertation is on urban reform and municipal politics. She is in China this year conducting three case studies of three cities in the Northeast, the former industrial area of China that has had a more difficult time during the reform period (since 1978). In more simple terms she studies social science or sociology to general people in China. Meg is an expert at going into unfamiliar cities and learning everything that there is to know about that city in a very short time!! Who could be a better guide?! An expert AND family! She has already helped us out a ton by translating a letter for Danielle's foster family! Currently, Meg is researching what hotels we can stay at, what sights we need to see, etc. We are so excited to be able to spend time in Laibin - we are planning on taking lots and lots of pictures and videos to share with Danielle (as well as buy local arts and crafts). We are very grateful that Meg is so eager to go with us and we are grateful for all of her help. She will also get to spend a couple of days with us after we receive Danielle. So as you can see, we could not have planned this any better ourselves - only God could have orchestrated such a perfect scenario!! Thank you, God!!

Our Travel Plans

After months of waiting, we have finally been able to book flights and arrange hotel rooms for our trip to China! Here is our current itinerary:

Nov 14 - leave for China
Nov 15 - arrive in Guangzhou, China
Nov 16 - fly to Nanning, take train to Laibin City, Guangxi Province
Nov 16-18 - spend the weekend exploring Laibin City - Danielle's birthplace
Nov 18 - take train back to Nanning, capital city of Guangxi Province
Nov 19 - go to Civil Affairs office and meet Danielle for the first time!!!!!!!
Nov 23 - fly back to Guangzhou
Nov 24 - Danielle's physical exam
Nov 26 - Consulate appointment
Nov 27 - oath ceremony
Nov 28 - return home - land at 5:32 pm!!!! Danielle will finally get to meet her 2 big sisters who are so excited to meet her!!

About Lai Fu Tao

Our precious little girl is from Laibin City, Guangxi Province,China. She was found at a bridge when she was about a month old.She was found with only the clothes on her back - no note, no name, nothing!! Her birth date was estimated to be August 18, 2006. She was initially placed at the orphanage in her town, but was placed in foster care within a few months. She has been in foster care ever since.When Fu Tao (Fu means 'lucky or blessed' and Tao means 'peach' - very appropriate for a GA girl!) was found, she had a lump on the side of her neck. The doctors diagnosed it as a lymph cystic hygroma. Basically, this means that a portion of her lymphatic system didn't close properly in utero, and created a balloon of lymph fluid above her shoulder. From what doctor's have told me and what I have researched about it, this in itself is not a life-threatening condition. In fact, it is quite correctable. At the time we received her medical records (May 1), no surgery had been performed. Since the lump itself was not painful, they weren't going to repairi t - unless it got bigger...which it did. From what I have learned, the only way that Fu Tao's condition could be dangerous would be if it enlarged to the point where it constricted her airway. We did find out that her lump had grown to the point where they needed to perform the surgery. Fu Tao, by all acounts, did very well during the surgery. We even received photos of her before and after her surgery and she was in great spirits!! She sounds like a real trooper! In the pictures pre and post surgery, she was 8 months old and she was already standing! From what information we have received, it seems that she is meeting all of her developmental milestones dead on!! Needless to say, we can't wait to finally meet her and bring her home!!! We will be giving her the name Danielle LaiAnne (Lai is her surname - probably given to her because of the city she was found in: Laibin City).

How God gave us our beautiful girl!

When we first started this adoption journey, we wanted to bring our daughter home as soon as possible. The idea of waiting over 2 years to adopt was hard to accept. So throughout the entire paper chase process we prayed that God would make it clear when and who needed to be a part of our family. We were very open to the idea of adopting a child with mild special needs. Due to the ages of our other children (3, 2), we really wouldn't be able to give a child who had significant needs the attention and care that they would need. Also, according to the new Chinese regulations, there had to be at least 12 months in between the ages of our youngest and our newest! That is very limiting. The way that China handles children with special needs, is they send adoption agencies a list of children who the agency tries to place with families that they are working with. Well, in December '06, China changed their regulations in regards to adoptive parents criteria (i.e. no longer could single people adopt), but they also decided to change their Waiting Child (children with special needs) procedures. The new way of doing things sounded very complicated and we weren't sure how well it was going to work. In Jan. '07, we found out that there was going to be one more list before the new system took affect! We prayed desperately that God would make things clear! We had to pray that there was a baby, at least 12 months younger than our youngest, and with very mild special needs. So we waited and prayed. In Jan, the list was suppose to come out at "any time". Well, it didn't. In fact, the long awaited list didn't come out until April 30! After months of waiting, God picked the perfect time to deliver! I had been talking to my friend Amy, who was also anxiously awaiting this list, and I had told her that I found out that our agency had the list, they were just waiting for the medical information to get translated. As soon as I hung up with her, I casually decided to check my email, and there it was! The announcement that the list had been posted! I immediately checked it out and there were 10 children on the list. I looked at all of the birthdates, and out of 10, only 1 of them met our age restrictions! I immediately called Steve (who was on his way home from softball) and told him about the list and the child. I begged him to hurry, because I didn't want to look at Lai Fu Tao's picture without him. When he arrived home, we opened her online file and saw her beautiful face!! I immediately cried, because I knew then and there that she was our daughter. We immediately emailed Hope for Children and requested to review her medical records. The policy is to allow 2 families at a time to review her records for 7 days. At the end of those 7 days, a committee decides which family gets to pursue the adoption!!! No pressure there!!! We gave her file to 2 pediatricians, who felt good about her health (I will discuss her condition later) and we decided to pursue adopting her. So, once again we waited. This time to hear if we would "get" her. The day that the committee was to meet, they found out that Lai Fu Tao had had some necessary surgery, so they decided not to pick a family until we both could review the updated medical information. UGH!! More waiting!! So a week or 2 went by, still no news. One day, on my way home from work, Steve called me and said that he heard that there was only one family reviewing Lai Fu Tao's medical. Panic! Did we get bumped? So I prayed in the car, and Steve made the call to Hope. He found out that the other family backed out!!! Praise God! And more good news - no other family was able to review her records!!! So we found out 2 days later that Lai Fu Tao was our little girl to pursue!! God is so good!! Lai Fu Tao is 14 months younger than our Liz and she has a mild condition (lymph csytic hygroma) that has already been repaired. There is not a doubt in my mind that this little girl was given to us by God. Although I was not able to birth her, she is our daughter all the same. Only God can perform these miracles - and I am grateful to Him!!!

How and Why the Journey Began

We are often asked why we want to adopt. It's hard to explain, but before Steve and I even met, we both had thought of adoption. Our "plan" was to have a couple of biological children, and then adopt. Why? I don't know, except to say that it is something wonderful that God has placed on our hearts. All throughout the scriptures, He tells us to take care of widows and orphans. In James (James 1:27a) it says: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world". We want to give a home full of love and security to a child who doesn't have one. This is why we have started this journey.

Steve and I first went to an informational meeting at HOPE for Children (our adoption agency) in early December of 2006. We walked out of there convinced that this was what our family needed to do. We wanted our children to be close in age, which meant that we needed to get the process started! At the time, Stephanie had just turned 3, and Elizabeth was 1 1/2 - the perfect time to add another child to our family!!!! At the meeting we learned that there was about an 18 month waiting time from when all of the paperwork is submitted to the Chinese adoption agency and when you actually receive your referral (the picture and information about your child). All of this really meant that it would be at least 2 years before we could travel to China, so, you see, it wasn't too early to start planning for daughter #3 (Ha! Ha!)! There was one way that we could travel sooner - that was to find a child on the Waiting Child List....this list has children with various special needs, including (but not limited to) children with cleft lips and palates, heart conditions, missing limbs, hepatitis, etc. Well, first things first, we needed to start with the ENORMOUS amount of paper work (i.e. paper chasing) - a daughter would come. So Steve and I began to track down birth certificates, marriages licenses, scheduled physicals, worked on financial spreadsheets - it was crazy and very time consuming. We seriously began this paper chasing process at the end of January 2007, and were told that a new Waiting Child List could come out anytime. So we waited and worked on paperwork and completed our home study visits. Finally, in April, we had all of our "stuff" together and we had only one piece of the puzzle left before our dossier (final product containing all of our paperwork) could be authenticated and sent to China - we needed to get fingerprinted by USCIS (Immigration). Oh, and by the way - still no List! On April 14, 2006, we received a letter in the mail giving us an appointment time for our fingerprints - 11 am on April 25! We were very excited to finish our puzzle. We made it to the fingerprinting office in downtown Atlanta, and stood in line for our turn. When we made it to the door, the guard put us in another line on the other side of the door. Little did we know that this was the "turn away line"! We were told that even though we had an appointment time in writing, that they had overbooked and we would have to come back another day, or we could go to their main office (20 miles away) and ask to be seen that day. Such drama!! Well, we went to the main office - we had to! Our girls were at a friend's house, and who knew what would happen next time - the same thing, probably! Thank the Lord, that this worked! The main office gave permission to the fingerprinting department to do our fingerprints that day (along with about 7 other couples who did the same thing that we did!). That was just God! So, despite some minor complications, our fingerprinting was completed! The last piece of the paperwork - finished!!!! When our adoption agency received this final approval, they had our paperwork (dossier) authenticated and we were DTC (dossier to China) on June 7, 2007!!!